Dear Friends, 
If you have not yet, you should create accounts on:
last.fm
goodreads.com
Then you should add me as a friend. 
Also, you should probably add Ryon.
Just sayin'.
Love, Jes

P.S. Where are all the good saturday morning cartoons?


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Schedule next semester includes:
Math 110 (again. finally.)
English 111 (finally.)
Poli-Sci 115?
And Modern Western Civ and World Civ II.

Lots of studying to commence soon!

For those of you who don't want to read all of this, let me just say this:
I am happy.




I do believe it is time for a more light-hearted livejournal, and I am pretty sure I am in the mood for one. (Which is kinda funny, because I have the stomache flu... and I am actually feeling more content and happy with things than I have in a long time. Seriously. There is some joy going on here kids.)

Anyways, let's talk about the past few days.
Friday- Christmas with sister and brother, their respectives, and mother and grandma. I had some delicious cheese lasagna, because my sister wanted to make sure I had something to eat.
Satuday- Christmas with mother's side of the family. My cousins are some of the best guys ever, and hanging out with them cheered me up greatly.
Sunday- Got a call from Dylan (one of the cousins) to go hang out. About 20 minutes after we get some food with him and his buddies, I get a call from big brother saying Christmas with Dad is that night. Agreed to go. Kinda annoyed with that whole situation, but whatever. Realized my family couldn't possibly know me less. And told Dad that I wasn't switching colleges next semester, leading to statements of "You better stay in school!" until I left. BUT He did give me the money to get to Oklahoma in April for Paul and Nina's wedding!
Monday- I think I mostly read during the day. Then hung out with Davin for a bit. Finally found food at IHOP. Watched part of a movie til I got a text and had to leave. Went to Fitz's for some late night t.v. and apples to apples with him and other awesome people.
Tuesday- Was Christmas, and therefor insane. Woke up super early, because some of us have crazy mother's. Had christmas with mother and grandma. Went to my aunt and uncle's and hung out with Dylan and Brock a bit. Next was Grandma Cunningham's. Talked to a couple cousins briefly, but it was only a short stop. Then off to my sister's, for her and my brother's family christmas (which they have always been nice enough to include me in.) Laughed when a couple of them discovered my tattoo, who I guess hadn't known it before. Enjoyed getting to see my brother and sister on christmas. Left to meet Amanda to get her key, since I am watching the cat for her and Nick. Saw Sweeney Todd with Ry. And then... quite possibly the best ending to any christmas ever... I went to Pizza Works. Saw Josh, Danny, and Tim. It was really good to catch up with all of them. I got to laugh at drunk guys with Josh, and horse around with Tim, and hug Danny way too much while he's working. Then Danny and I attempted to find food, and finally settled on a ghetto picnic in his car sitting in the parking lot until 4:30 in the morning. Between Josh and Danny, I realized how much I miss theatre. And Danny made me realize that I am not ready to give up on it yet.



So I am ready now. I will get back to living. I can get another job. (But, um, please pray that it happens very quickly.) I will finish ICC and get my associates degree. And next year, maybe after the fall term, I will transfer schools and give myself another chance at theatre. Because when it comes down to it, I have enought what-ifs in my life. I don't want this to be one of them.

All I want is for this nightmare of a year to be over.

School sucks.
Obviously.
I don't even know if I can do this anymore.




The more I think about it, the more I want Plan B.
Like... really, really want it.
And I am praying about doing it.
It is not "the plan".
But does that matter any more?

The more I use my new laptop...
The more I don't want to give Dad my old one...
I HATE WINDOWS VISTA.

Last night I had a dream. Of how things were supposed to be this year. It made it so wierd to wake up. Because that path felt so much more realistic than the one I am on. It is where I believed I would be. It was like seeing my present the way I thought it would be.

One of my favorite movies is History Boys. In it, a character states, "I'm not happy, exactly. But I'm not unhappy about it." I think that is how I feel lately. I know I am growing. I know this requires dealing with a lot of ghosts and demons of my past. And none of that makes me happy. I know that for a while I need to feel somewhat alone, because it is helping me to appreciate the people who really do love me. And I am realizing that there are struggles that never go away; you learn to deal with them in ways that hurt you less, though. 

I just found out that one of the guys in my film class was in a play with me when I was little. That amused me. I really, really miss being on stage. I want to feel that rush again. I want to remember why I chose theatre. But mostly, I want that validation of knowing that it was something I could do. Because it was the one thing I did not doubt about myself. It's hard to want something you are forgetting.

All this said, I am leaving you with the lyrics (thank you, copy and paste) to Gorilla Biscuit's "Hold Your Ground":

A step apart, I don´t fit
In with my peers, but I don´t give a shit
Laughed in the street of my town
Their laugher hurts, but I´ll hold my ground

Hold your - ground
Hold your - hold your ground

It´s time to stand up for what you believe
Have no fear of your critics
be proud the live you lead
You maybe diffrent from your friends but if their true they´ll understand

Hold your ground
Be yourself and be the best you can.
Step out!!!!!

Conformity, the easy way to be accepted
I´d rather be outcast any day
It´s hard to be yourself with all the pressures
Coming down, it takes a strong fucking person
To hold your ground