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Wednesday, March 19th, 2008

Time:5:34 am.
Just a reminder:

I am not found at livejournal.com/users/noscotchtape
1 shot| make the wounded

Monday, February 4th, 2008

Subject:*there's no scotch tape*
Time:11:17 am.
Mood: excited.
The  time has come, Dear LJ friends, for me to start LJ #3
As this is my good bye/ hello entry, I will paste it into both.

You may be wondering why I am starting yet another live journal. Well, to be honest, I just feel like I am an entirely different person that I was when this journal started. I am in a very different part of my life. So just like I changed livejournals when my life transitioned a few years ago, I am doing so now. The new one is: noscotchtape. Add it. Love me.

I will miss my gavemeapen LJ. It has some good memories for me. But to be honest, it also has a looot of bad ones. And I am ready for a fresh journal-y start. I am ready for new things. I am ready to let myself be content and happy. I am making new friends. I am learning who I am and who I want to become. I am growing up. So jump on the bandwagon and be my LJ #3 friend. Please?
3 shot| make the wounded

Saturday, February 2nd, 2008

Subject:*you've got a fine laugh*
Time:11:40 pm.
Mood: happy.
It  feels only fair for me to come back here and tell you some of the things that have been going on in my life.

1. I started work at Walgreens on Prospect. I am really liking it. I mean, I HATE that it's mostly weekend hours. I am tired of missing shows. But the actual work... That I like.

2. Speaking of which... I am greatly considering switching to part-time school and full-time work. I will get out of school about the same time, either way. And I have no ambition. I want to move out. I am tired of being dependent on my mother's car. Etc. 

3. On to rather happy things... I have a boyfriend. Truth! His name is Randle. And for that matter... I don't think I have anyone on here who would know him. But whatever. He is a nice guy. A very nice guy. We watch movies and eat peanutbutter (and sometimes jelly) sandwiches. He makes me ridiculously girly and cheesy. We actually make time to see each other. I get along with his friends. And most importantly, he lets me laugh at him and tease him. It's pretty awesome.
2 shot| make the wounded

Tuesday, January 8th, 2008

Subject:come on life
Time:5:06 am.
Mood: content.
 Hello again. I am trying very hard to keep myself positive, and I think I am getting better at it. I've been listening to lots of music, had a couple crazy nights, and talked to lots of people in the wee hours of the morning while the rest of the world sleeps. School will start soon. My schedule is intense, but I really want to prove myself this semester. I am still in search of a job. I want to get one that is preferably going to give me hours. If any of you know anything, PLEASE send me that way. I am getting very nervous about this. 

Beyond this, I am trying to get better about realizing that I can not put life on hold. I spent too much of a last year, standing still, because I did not know what I was working towards. I am still not really sure of anything... but I am sure that I can't let life pass me by while I try to find out.

Today I got caught in the storm and blew a tire. I was pretty terrified, because I was pretty much driving blind at one point (I had no choice, I was blind just trying to get off the road.) And then I had to wait an hour for help. But other than a phone call with my mother, I actually took it pretty well. I mean, well, no I didn't. I was a wreck. But I mean I did not get all depressed about it, and I think that is a good sign.
1 shot| make the wounded

Saturday, January 5th, 2008

Subject:don't go too fast, but I go pretty far
Time:10:25 am.
Mood: awake.

Dear Friends, 
If you have not yet, you should create accounts on:
Then you should add me as a friend. 
Also, you should probably add Ryon.
Just sayin'.
Love, Jes

P.S. Where are all the good saturday morning cartoons?


Schedule next semester includes:
Math 110 (again. finally.)
English 111 (finally.)
Poli-Sci 115?
And Modern Western Civ and World Civ II.

Lots of studying to commence soon!

2 shot| make the wounded

Tuesday, January 1st, 2008

Time:12:12 am.
2007 is officially over.
I have not been this happy about a new years since I was about six.
make the wounded

Friday, December 28th, 2007

Time:10:14 pm.
Mood: accomplished.
Reading List For 2007
Rules: May not count books read for school purposes.
* Indicates this book has been previously read.

1. Cathy's Book- .Sean Stewart and Jordan Weisman
2. The Bell Jar- Sylvia Plath
3. Howl- Allen Ginsburg
4. Green Suede Shoes- Larry Kirwan
5. In The Company Of Crazies- Nora Raleigh Baskin
6. Salad Days- Charles Romalotti
7. The Adding Machine- Elmer Rice
8. Dream Girl- Elmer Rice
9. Dreams From My Father- Barack Obama
10. The Devil Wears Prada- Lauren Weisberger
11. The Audacity Of Hope- Barack Obama
12. Darcy's Story- Janet Aylmer
13. Here Lies The Librarian- Richard Peck
14. The Woolgatherer- William Mastrosimone
15. The Lark- Jean Anouilh
16. Valhalla- Paul Rudnick
17. The Looking Glass Wars- Frank Beddor
18. Lovers- Brian Friel
19. A Clockwork Orange- Anthony Burgess
20. The Undomestic Goddess- Sophie Kinsella
21. Peter Pan In Scarlet- Geraldine McCaughren
22. Because Of Winn-Dixie- Kate DiCamillo
23. I Am The Messenger- Markus Zusak
24. The Holy Barbarians- Lawrence Lipton
25. A Room On Lorelei Street- Mary E. Pearson
26. Choke- Chuck Palahniuk
27. How To Get Suspended And Influence People- Adam Selzer
28. The Misadventures Of Maude March- Audrey Couloumbis
29. Pirates!- Celia Rees
30. One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest- Ken Kesey
31. Naked Lunch- William S. Burroughs
32. Howl's Moving Castle- Dianne Wynne Jones
33. American Gods- Neil Gaiman
34. Un Lun Dun- China Mieville
35. The Small Rain- Madeleine L'Engle
36. Dead Souls- Nikolai Gogol
37. A Midsummer's Night's Dream- William Shakespeare
38. Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy- Douglas Adams
39. Anasi Boys- Neil Gaiman
40. Harry Potter And The Sorcerer's Stone*- J.K. Rowling
41. Shooter- Walter Dean Myers
42. The Gloves: A Boxing Chronicle- Robert Anasi
43. Harry Potter And The Chamber Of Secrets*- J.K. Rowling
44. Slaughterhouse- Five- Kurt Vonnegut
45. The Classics Reclassified- Richard Armour
46. Invisible Life- E. Lynn Harris
47. Harry Potter And The Prisoner of Azkaban*- J.K. Rowling
48. Knitting Under The Influence- Claire LaZebnik
49. The Book Thief- Markus Zusak
50. Harry Potter And The Goblet Of Fire*- J.K. Rowling
51. Equus- Peter Shaffer
52. The Eyre Affair- Jasper Fforde
53. Lemonade Mouth- Mark Peter Hughes
54. Charlie Bone And The Beast- Jenny Nimmo
55. Nine Stories- J.D. Salinger
56. Notes From The Midnight Driver- Jordan Sonnenblick
57. The Time Traveler's Wife- Audrey Niffenegger
58. Harry Potter And The Order Of The Phoenix*- J.K. Rowling
59. Another Antigone- A..R. .Gurney, Jr.
60. Harry Potter And The Half-Blood Prince*- J.K. Rowling
61. Lost In A Good Book- Jasper Fforde
62. Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows- J.K. Rowling
63. Neverwhere- Neil Gaiman
64. The Well Of Lost Plots- Jasper Fforde
65. Nights With Armour- Richard Armour
66. Something Rotten- Jasper Fforde
67. Queen's Confession- Victoria Holt
68. Twelfth Night- William Shakespeare
69. The Taming Of The Shrew- William Shakespeare
70. The Merry Wives Of Windsor- William Shakespeare
71. The Maltese Falcon- Dashiell Hammett
72. Lucas- Kevin Brooks
73. Abba's Child- Brennan Manning
74. Kite Runner- Khaled Hosseini
75. Down The Rabbit Hole- Peter Abrahams
76. A Thousand Splendid Suns- Khaled Hosseini
77. Ordinary Ghosts- Eireann Corrigan
78. The Holy Man- Susan Trott
79. Fighting Ruben Wolfe- Markus Zusak
80. The Importance Of Being Earnest- Oscar Wilde
81. Candide- Voltaire
82. Five People You Meet In Heaven- Mitch Albom
83. The Mysterious Benedict Society- Trenton Lee Stewart
84. The Snow Spider- Jenny Nimmo
85. Man Without A Country- Kurt Vonnegut
86. Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows*- J.K. Rowling (Yes, I read it twice. Sue me. Still counts.)
87. A Beautiful Mind- Sylvia Nasar
88. American Hardcore- Steven Blush
89. Seeing Redd- Frank Beddor
90. The Dante Club- Matthew Pearl
91. Orpehus Emerged- Jack Kerouac
92. Eclipse- Stephanie Meyer
93. Door Wide Open- Jack Kerouac and Joyce Johnson
94. Pride And Prejudice*- Jane Austen
95. Invisible Monsters- Chuck Palahuniuk
96. Lucky Luciano: The Man Who Organized Crime In America- Hickman Powell
97. The Catcher In The Rye*- J.D. Salinger
98. A Farewell To Arms- Ernest Hemingway
99. A Christmas Carol*- Charles Dickens
100. Madame Bovary- Gustave Flaubert

2 shot| make the wounded

Wednesday, December 26th, 2007

Subject:are you happy now with all the choices you've made?
Time:11:47 pm.
Mood: happy.

For those of you who don't want to read all of this, let me just say this:
I am happy.

I do believe it is time for a more light-hearted livejournal, and I am pretty sure I am in the mood for one. (Which is kinda funny, because I have the stomache flu... and I am actually feeling more content and happy with things than I have in a long time. Seriously. There is some joy going on here kids.)

Anyways, let's talk about the past few days.
Friday- Christmas with sister and brother, their respectives, and mother and grandma. I had some delicious cheese lasagna, because my sister wanted to make sure I had something to eat.
Satuday- Christmas with mother's side of the family. My cousins are some of the best guys ever, and hanging out with them cheered me up greatly.
Sunday- Got a call from Dylan (one of the cousins) to go hang out. About 20 minutes after we get some food with him and his buddies, I get a call from big brother saying Christmas with Dad is that night. Agreed to go. Kinda annoyed with that whole situation, but whatever. Realized my family couldn't possibly know me less. And told Dad that I wasn't switching colleges next semester, leading to statements of "You better stay in school!" until I left. BUT He did give me the money to get to Oklahoma in April for Paul and Nina's wedding!
Monday- I think I mostly read during the day. Then hung out with Davin for a bit. Finally found food at IHOP. Watched part of a movie til I got a text and had to leave. Went to Fitz's for some late night t.v. and apples to apples with him and other awesome people.
Tuesday- Was Christmas, and therefor insane. Woke up super early, because some of us have crazy mother's. Had christmas with mother and grandma. Went to my aunt and uncle's and hung out with Dylan and Brock a bit. Next was Grandma Cunningham's. Talked to a couple cousins briefly, but it was only a short stop. Then off to my sister's, for her and my brother's family christmas (which they have always been nice enough to include me in.) Laughed when a couple of them discovered my tattoo, who I guess hadn't known it before. Enjoyed getting to see my brother and sister on christmas. Left to meet Amanda to get her key, since I am watching the cat for her and Nick. Saw Sweeney Todd with Ry. And then... quite possibly the best ending to any christmas ever... I went to Pizza Works. Saw Josh, Danny, and Tim. It was really good to catch up with all of them. I got to laugh at drunk guys with Josh, and horse around with Tim, and hug Danny way too much while he's working. Then Danny and I attempted to find food, and finally settled on a ghetto picnic in his car sitting in the parking lot until 4:30 in the morning. Between Josh and Danny, I realized how much I miss theatre. And Danny made me realize that I am not ready to give up on it yet.

So I am ready now. I will get back to living. I can get another job. (But, um, please pray that it happens very quickly.) I will finish ICC and get my associates degree. And next year, maybe after the fall term, I will transfer schools and give myself another chance at theatre. Because when it comes down to it, I have enought what-ifs in my life. I don't want this to be one of them.

1 shot| make the wounded

Monday, December 24th, 2007

Time:6:05 pm.
Can someone please tell me how to make a cut in my lj entry? Because very soon I will be posting my 2007 reading list. But I don't want it to be a regular entry, I want to make a cut to it. Oh, you know what I mean... Help? Please?
2 shot| make the wounded

Sunday, December 23rd, 2007

Subject:*forget what happened yesterday*
Time:5:10 am.
Mood: drained.
Well, where do I start?

I never sleep anymore. The past year was filled with mistakes. The past month was from hell (with the exception of a much needed adventure.) I barely survived school, thanks to an excellent history teacher. I really have no desire to ever speak to my father again. And to cap off my lovely year... I lost my job this week. My job. Do you even know how much I loved that job? I miss it already. 

I wish I hadn't broken down over the shit that was happening.
I wish I hadn't checked out of life for so long.
Because then I could still have my job.

I need to find another job. Immediately. Why did I let myself screw up so bad? 

I must end on a positive note. Mostly because noone likes sad livejournal entries. *thinks* Oh yes. I bonded with my cousins today.
make the wounded

Wednesday, December 19th, 2007

Time:2:12 am.

All I want is for this nightmare of a year to be over.

make the wounded

Friday, November 30th, 2007

Time:1:04 am.
I just lost the game.
4 shot| make the wounded

Saturday, November 24th, 2007

Subject:*stuck in public school classrooms*
Time:12:44 am.
Mood: frustrated.

School sucks.
I don't even know if I can do this anymore.

The more I think about it, the more I want Plan B.
Like... really, really want it.
And I am praying about doing it.
It is not "the plan".
But does that matter any more?

2 shot| make the wounded

Sunday, November 11th, 2007

Time:10:30 pm.
 I can not even begin to tell you how close I have come lately to jumping on a greyhound to Oklahoma, and asking Nina if I could stay with her room with The Ruckus if I got a job and paid rent. Because I am pretty sure I could get a job.

And I just don't care about anything going on in my life.
1 shot| make the wounded

Tuesday, November 6th, 2007

Time:1:39 am.
Mood: tired.
I don't have much to say.

- My car sucks, so I have missed a loooot of work. Now I have even less money for Christmas. Awesome.

- I found a guy that Alyson and my father would approve of... I am just not sure about everyone else. Hahaha. Or that I will let anything happen with it.

- My hair has been bleached again. So it is a touch lighter.

- I wish I could do the best thing for myself, with out hurting others.

- I am le tired.
make the wounded

Friday, November 2nd, 2007

Time:9:12 pm.
Positively 4th Street
- Bob Dylan

You got a lotta nerve
To say you are my friend
When I was down
You just stood there grinning

You got a lotta nerve
To say you got a helping hand to lend
You just want to be on
The side that's winning

You say I let you down
You know it's not like that
If you're so hurt
Why then don't you show it

You say you lost your faith
But that's not where it's at
You had no faith to lose
And you know it

I know the reason
That you talk behind my back
I used to be among the crowd
You're in with

Do you take me for such a fool
To think I'd make contact
With the one who tries to hide
What he don't know to begin with

You see me on the street
You always act surprised
You say, "How are you?" "Good luck"
But you don't mean it

When you know as well as me
You'd rather see me paralyzed
Why don't you just come out once
And scream it

No, I do not feel that good
When I see the heartbreaks you embrace
If I was a master thief
Perhaps I'd rob them

And now I know you're dissatisfied
With your position and your place
Don't you understand
It's not my problem

I wish that for just one time
You could stand inside my shoes
And just for that one moment
I could be you

Yes, I wish that for just one time
You could stand inside my shoes
You'd know what a drag it is
To see you
make the wounded

Monday, October 29th, 2007

Time:12:11 am.
I am really, really happy.
Dad said I can keep the old lap top that he gave me for Christmas.
And give him and Dae the shiny, new one they gave me for my birthday.

I know that makes me weird.
But as pretty as it is, it has just been very impractical.

I am in an exceptionally good mood.

This weekend was amazing.

And I am learning to get along so much better with my father.
2 shot| make the wounded

Sunday, October 28th, 2007

Time:5:42 pm.

The more I use my new laptop...
The more I don't want to give Dad my old one...

2 shot| make the wounded

Thursday, October 25th, 2007

Subject:*i'm not the things you said i'd be*
Time:11:51 pm.
Mood: contemplative.
It 's kind of funny... the older I get... the less I see myself ever having kids.

To begin, there are so many things I want to do while I am "young."
I want to travel.
I want to live with someone who loves me in a rediculously small house and survive on peanut butter sandwiches.
I want to study.
I want to dedicate myself to literature, theatre, and music.

And I can not see any of that changing as I get older. I want to always be able to move on whim. And I do not think it would be fair to have children, knowing the kind of life that I have always longed for... 

Granted, reading Kerouac always makes me a little beat-envious.
But while that accounts for this post, it does not account for this notion.
4 shot| make the wounded

Wednesday, October 24th, 2007

Subject:*be proud of the life you lead*
Time:2:18 pm.
Mood: thoughtful.

Last night I had a dream. Of how things were supposed to be this year. It made it so wierd to wake up. Because that path felt so much more realistic than the one I am on. It is where I believed I would be. It was like seeing my present the way I thought it would be.

One of my favorite movies is History Boys. In it, a character states, "I'm not happy, exactly. But I'm not unhappy about it." I think that is how I feel lately. I know I am growing. I know this requires dealing with a lot of ghosts and demons of my past. And none of that makes me happy. I know that for a while I need to feel somewhat alone, because it is helping me to appreciate the people who really do love me. And I am realizing that there are struggles that never go away; you learn to deal with them in ways that hurt you less, though. 

I just found out that one of the guys in my film class was in a play with me when I was little. That amused me. I really, really miss being on stage. I want to feel that rush again. I want to remember why I chose theatre. But mostly, I want that validation of knowing that it was something I could do. Because it was the one thing I did not doubt about myself. It's hard to want something you are forgetting.

All this said, I am leaving you with the lyrics (thank you, copy and paste) to Gorilla Biscuit's "Hold Your Ground":

A step apart, I don´t fit
In with my peers, but I don´t give a shit
Laughed in the street of my town
Their laugher hurts, but I´ll hold my ground

Hold your - ground
Hold your - hold your ground

It´s time to stand up for what you believe
Have no fear of your critics
be proud the live you lead
You maybe diffrent from your friends but if their true they´ll understand

Hold your ground
Be yourself and be the best you can.
Step out!!!!!

Conformity, the easy way to be accepted
I´d rather be outcast any day
It´s hard to be yourself with all the pressures
Coming down, it takes a strong fucking person
To hold your ground

make the wounded

LiveJournal for Paper Doll.

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